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det är inte fult att känna.

detärokattkänna

När jag var liten kunde jag ofta känna mig ledsen, utan att jag visste varför.
Det kom ofta på kvällarna, och jag kunde börja gråta utan någon specifik anledning.
Min mamma frågade självfallet varför, men jag hade sällan något konkret svar,
jag kände mig ju bara ledsen.

Jag har från omgivningen alltid fått höra att jag ska sluta tänka så mycket, sluta överreagera, förstora upp, vara så känslig.
& intalat mig att det nog är fel att känna för mycket, för starkt, för ofta.
Jag har lärt mig att känslor bör stängas inne, inte visas och därför ansett att det förmodligen är mig det är fel på,
som börjar gråta lätt, även när jag egentligen är arg eller rädd,
som kan gå från ledsen till överlycklig på tre sekunder, och sen tillbaka igen lika snabbt.
Jag som är onormal som kan grubbla, älta & analysera i evigheter, och som kan låta små ting rasera hela världen,
för att sedan låta den byggas upp igen,
endast genom exempelvis en promenad med hundarna där solen lyser fint genom träden och får själen att fladdra av glädje,
bara för att det är så vackert.

Men,
häromdagen läste jag den här boken.
Log & skakade på huvudet medan jag tog in vad som stod,
det var så mycket, nästintill allt, som stämde in på mig.
Och jag kände plötsligt en större förståelse för mina egna reaktioner.
När jag var liten, och inte förstod varför jag var ledsen, hade jag troligen under dagen samlat in känslor från min omgivning,
och burit dem med mig utan att förstå att de inte var mina egna.
Vissa av er skakar säkert på huvudet nu, och undrar vad jag har hamnat i för psykos, men jag tror att flera av er förstår vad jag menar.
Och gör ni det, tycker jag absolut att ni ska läsa den här boken!

För det är inte fult att känna.
Det är inte konstigt att ta in, ibland lite för många intryck från omgivningen precis hela tiden,
och ha en överanalyserande hjärna som inte går att pausa,  det är bara så en del av oss är.
& det är helt okej (även om det är jävligt jobbigt och frustrerande stundvis).

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