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att rannsaka sig själv lite.

IMG_6853IMG_6864

Kroppen behövde tydligen en total time out.
Jag har lixom inte haft något att säga till om, de senaste dagarna.
Har inte orkat. Inte haft någon vilja till något
annat än att bara sova de timmarna jag inte pluggat.
Inte känt igen mig själv, alls. Och känt ett obehag inför just det,
att inte känna igen mig själv.
Och så har jag undrat när den där vanliga energin,
hade tänkt att komma tillbaka.
Egentligen.

IMG_6819
Solen sken imorse,
och väckte mig genom att försiktigt leta sig in genom sovrumsfönstret.
Jag spenderade några timmar i stan.
Pluggade och pratade Idas kommande bröllop
under förmiddagen tillsammans med tjejerna.
Och jag kände mig inte helt slut, när jag körde hem.
Inte som igår.
Lättnad. Och en skön känsla att energin nog är påväg tillbaka nu.
Åtminstone fysiskt.
Huvudet, och den där förmågan att känna fullständig glädje är inte riktigt ikapp än,
men den kommer nog snart, den med.

Känslor är svåra att förklara i text,
och jag är nog ofta ganska bra på att dölja känslor av må-dåligt. Även i det verkliga livet, alltså.
Men att känna sig alldeles fullständigt slut, både fysiskt & psykiskt,
om än för bara ett par dagar, var ganska läskigt.
Och kanske lite av ett wake-up-call.
Med en hjärna som jobbar på högvarv hela tiden, varje dag, året runt,
så kan jag kanske inte boka upp varje ledig minut.
Jag kanske inte gör mig själv en tjänst,
när jag försöker hinna med så mycket roligt jag bara kan,
hela tiden.

Tvärtom.

IMG_6869Och kanske måste jag lära mig att prioritera bättre, i mina relationer.
Även om det tar emot. Jag vill ju finnas där för alla jag tycker om.
Men kanske kan jag inte vara den som alltid finns där,
alltid stöttar, alltid peppar & hejar,
för alla.

Kanske har jag bara energi som räcker till de där närmsta.
De där som, när jag verkligen tänker efter, faktiskt också finns där för mig,
när det är jag som behöver någon som stöttar, peppar och bara finns där.
När det är jag som inte längre är hon,
hon som alltid klarar allt bäst själv.

Kanske måste jag blir bättre på det.
På att ta time out, ibland.
Och kanske behöver jag inte vara så jäkla effektiv,
hela tiden.

Och den där sömnen, alltså.
Den är så mycket viktigare än man kan tro.

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