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you’ll be in my heart, always.

IMG_0876

Elvin.
Den vackraste, galnaste, mest kärleksfulla & alltid lika glada Elvin.
Han finns inte hos mig mer.
Hans äventyr fortsätter någon annanstans nu,
ovan molnen.

IMG_0802

En hund som inte ens har fyllt fyra år ska inte behöva gå med smärta varje dag.
Sedan i höstas har vi kämpat med smärtor i flera delar av hans lilla kropp.
Trots rehab och utredningar, och nästan fem månader i koppel har vi inte fått någon ordning på det.  Han har fått gå lös, och vara hund fullt ut, sista tiden.
Han har varit så glad över att få röra sig igen, så lycklig.
Samtidigt som det varit så ofattbart jobbigt att se honom med smärta och
hälta efter såväl vila som aktivitet.
Se honom bli allt mer lättretlig och känslig. Se att blicken vissa stunder,
inte var den vanliga, glädjefyllda.

Jag ville inte att han skulle behöva gå igenom mer.
Inga fler stressfyllda veterinär eller rehab-besök, ingen mer smärta.
Och jag ville inte låta honom gå längre, för jag ville inte minnas honom som ett vrak av smärta,
eller att det tyngsta beslutet skulle vara tvunget att tas på grund av att någon
dum händelse skulle hinna ske.

Jag ville minnas honom som det underbara lyckopiller han varit för mig.
Därför, fick han efter en heldag i skogen, somna in i måndags eftermiddag.
Med solens strålar som sken in genom fönstret,
med mig och Marlene sittandes på golvet bredvid honom.
Jag är så tacksam för att hon var med, jag vet att Elvin också var det.
Och han var så lugn, som om han förstod…

Och sen.
Sen var han plötsligt inte där längre.
Han var bara,
borta.

Och kvar var tomrummet, sorgen och saknaden.

IMG_0694

IMG_0851

Det har snart gått ett par dygn, men smärtan är fortfarande densamma.
Smärtan, som jag innan aldrig hade kunnat föreställa mig skulle vara såhär stark.
Det känns som att någon försöker slita ut hjärtat ur kroppen,
samtidigt som att hela tillvaron känns som ett enda stort tomrum, omöjligt att fylla igen.
Han fattas mig så.
Och allt, varje tanke, påminner på något sätt om Elvin.

IMG_0901

Jag försöker att tänka på allt han gett mig.
På allt jag lärt mig, tack vare Elvin.
För jag vet att jag aldrig kommer ha en hund som lär mig så mycket, som han har gjort.
Om inställningen till livet, om glädjen i spår, om hundträning i stort,
om tålamod och envishet, om lycka.
Och nu även, om sorg.
Utan åren med Elvin,
hade jag inte varit den jag är idag.

Trots att jag vet att beslutet var det rätta, så känns det samtidigt så fel.
Allt känns så orättvist. Och jag vill inget hellre än att ha honom tillbaka.
Jag förstår bara inte, hur det är möjligt att jag inte har honom här hos mig längre,
och jag kan inte förlika mig med tanken att livet kommer gå vidare, utan honom.

vi

Vi ses igen, min vackre lille prins. ♥

Till dess,
spring genom de evigt gröna skogarna, de porlande bäckarna,
& sprudla av glädje, så som bara du kan.
Jag älskar dig. 

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